Feeding With Love- A Breastfeeding Story Part Two

June 10th***

My milk is drying up.

One more week until I could be back to nursing Micah all day and these boobs are done. 

Sure I could probably work like a madwoman to revive them. Pop maple syrup smelling capsules around the clock. Sprinkle brewers yeast on my yogurt, in my salads, straight onto my tongue. I could power pump my way back to feeding him.

But alas, I'm done. I'll keep offering myself first before feeding Micah formula and perhaps I won't dry up, but I can't use that pump anymore. Summer is in one week and to me summer means freedom from that pump. As much as I want to feed Micah all summer (and into his toddler years if he'll let me), I do not want to return to work in August needing to be tethered to my pump again. Ug! That dreaded thing.

I've just felt melancholy all day. I felt like crying for no reason all day. But no reason, is really for the saddness that comes from not being able to provide for my son in the most intimate way. The saddness that I will never again in all his future days be able to recreate those moments. Those bright blue eyes with the little brown fleck in one staring up at me. Those little fingers reaching up and grasping my jawline, jabbing fingers into my mouth, grabbing at my hair. I will never forget the way I tried with all my might to look away so as to not distract him during feeding time, but inevitably I couldn't resist and would make some silly noise or facial expression resulting in the teeniest little upturn of the corner of his mouth slowly growing into the cutest little grin I've ever known. 

I will never forget the way in recent weeks he's been doing gymnastics all over my body while barely remaining suckling at my breast. Climbing up my shoulders, slithering across my torso, rocking back and forth and up and down. Only now do I understand he's been trying to get more milk and get more fast! 

getting used to our new norm of bottle feeding

It's so different feeding him with a bottle. It's so foreign to me. It just seems quick and impersonal, but still important and necessary. Funny that I had only fed him with a bottle once in his first eight months. 

still finding special ways to connect without nursing

Micah still won't eat many solids. I really can't believe he won't eat any fruits or veggies yet. He won't let us feed him anything mushy. So he has had matzah, corn chex, rice cakes, bread, challah, and some little baby apple wagon wheel crackers. Today he tried and actually liked apple chicken sausage. I still really can't believe he is not into avocados yet. What if my child doesn't like Mexican food?! The horror!

eating an apple flavored wagon wheel

Right now I am cherishing so many little things. I love watching Micah and Phil together. Phil can get him to laugh all the time. Micah goes crazy with giggles to so many of his daddy's funny noises. I love the way he stares up at both of us when we have him in the Ergo. It is amazing to watch his gross motor development. I love witnessing the amount of energy that goes into standing up on his own or trying to walk a bit or even trying to crawl without doing army crawl style on the grass.  And bathtime...oh, bathtime. It's so much fun. Micah likes to talk and babble a lot during bathtime. He is such a little explorer. Currently he has started to say "ba ba ba", but I'm not sure it's in reference to anything specific.

Daddy gives bottles too! (p.s. check out that amazing Seattle weather!)

Eight + months is a wondrous age and Micah is an unbelievably lovable kid!

***As you can see I'm catching up on my posts. I wrote this almost three weeks ago! My milk isn't completely dry yet as it seems to produce enough to nurse him for a few minutes at a time, but it is definitely not enough to nourish him, so formula in bottles it is. Man am I growing tired of washing bottles! I think it's time to go buy additional bottles. As if $30 a week organic formula wasn't enough... Nothing but the best for our sweet boy!