Monday, May 9, 2016

Airport Goodbyes

My eyes meet hers and the instant I see tears collecting in the corner of each eye while she smiles and kisses me goodbye. I am seven years old again.

I'm seven saying goodbye for my first airplane ride by myself flying to see my Aunt and Uncle in San Diego.

In the same moment, as I give a quick kiss goodbye, as I turn and push the stroller down the jet way, it's like I'm thirteen again, going off on my first cross country flight alone to visit cousins in Cleveland.

I'm seventeen kissing goodbye before a month away at a Jewish summer school in Boston feeling like I might not be Jewish enough for the rest of them.

It's like I'm eighteen again, saying goodbye as my blond haired blue eyed tall and beautiful Mom with a capital M turns to leave campus for my first days "living on my own" at college.

Each goodbye so different, yet they all come flooding back in that same moment. Each time, the feelings hit me like a rogue wave as I feel totally unprepared for the emotional ride that is attached to those two little tears. Each time I'm ready to go to some new location or return to the home I've created with my own precious family. Then there they are, two little tears welling up in my own blue eyes and in an instant I'm smiling yet fighting back the unexpected tears, dealing with a giant lump in my throat.

As much as a mother and daughter may have their differences, there is nothing much like a kiss and a hug from someone who can read my emotions before I can. Those tears welling up in the corner of her eyes empathize with whatever emotion I have at the time. Nervous excitement at seven, complete nervous wreck and slight regret at seventeen, nostalgia at eighteen, and now tired anticipation at thirty three.

In an instant I am awash with appreciation for this woman who is so stoic and loving. I am flooded with emotions for this woman I have the honor to call my mother.

 Happy Mothers day Mom. I love you more than the Whole Wide World (or as Micah says...all the way to the Puget Sound).

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Shark Attack Fun turned Slammed Finger 31 of 31 #sol16

Tonight I struggle for which slice to write about. I can't believe that this month came and went and I actually went through with posting each night for the whole month of March! It was a very inspiring experience. I had been looking forward to it, but mostly because I knew it was the extra motivation I needed to prioritize time writing. What I did not expect was the new friendships I've developed because of this experience. Shawnda and Erika: This challenge was fun and easy because of you two. You both inspire me because of the amazing human and puppy mommies that you are, engaging and impactful educators that you are, and for the eloquent authors that I now know you are as well! Thank you also to the incredible women of Two Writing Teachers for the Slice of Life challenge and also your regular weekly posts. They inspire me as a writer and as a reflective educator. 

The kiddo and the hubster ran around and around the house.
I was listening from the other room where I began excitedly packing our suitcase for tomorrow's trip to San Diego and Disneyland.
The hubster was doing the silent creep, giving the kiddo time to run away shrieking and laughing as he ran away from the big bad shark!
"Raaaaaaaaarrrrr! I'm going to get you!!!"
Over and over they played this game, moving around the kitchen island, behind the living room sofa, in and out of all the bedrooms.
They entered the room where I was packing and although I was equally enjoying their moment of joy, I also quietly whispered to the hubster, "it's almost time for bed. Maybe it's time to start winding down now..."
He smiled and nodded, then pounced towards the kiddo one more time.
"SHARK ATTACK!!!!!"

The kiddo raced out of our bedroom, closing the door quickly behind him.
In the moment of silence that followed I could hear was the echo's of his laughter and I could feel my cheeks, warm from the huge grin on my face.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" a howl wailed from just behind the door and the door opened showing the kiddo cluching his hand and screaming, tears streaming down his face. The hubster flew across the room towards him and he scooped him up before I could do anything. We both assessed the situation as the kiddo cried and cried, obviously he had smashed something in the door, but what we could not tell.
"Is it your fingers or your toes?"
Big sobs and wails were all he could let out. Eventually through big huge tears and cries and "No! No! No! No!"'s he squeeked out a little, "finger".

That's when we saw his left pinky finger with a puddle of red oozing up and a decent sized gash. The hubster and I locked eyes for a silent conversation through raised eyebrows and grimaces saying, "hospital? Stitches? Band aid? Ice pack? What do you think?"
I ran to look for the new Paw Patrol bandaids that the Easter Bunny thankfully had just brought. We patched up the gash and took a few more minutes of snuggling and crying before the hubster lured the kiddo to calm down with book after book.

As he got ready for bed and they began to read one more book, I stopped in to get my bedtime goodnight kiss and hug.
"Goodnight buddy," I said. "I'm sorry you got hurt tonight. I'm glad you're going to be ok." and he smiled and quickly responded, "It's ok mom. It's going to heal fast." And he was just as playful as ever.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Whales or Wake 30 of 31 #sol16

Today is a beautiful day.
As I drove away from one of my schools, I could see the water of the Puget Sound
clear and calm except for one line of waves.
I thought to myself, it's just the wake of a ship.
I repeated it over and over in my head.
It's just the wake of a ship.
Just a ship.
Ship's wake.
Wake wave.
Wave from wake.
Not whales.
It is not whales.

And my heart screamed back...
I hope it's whales!
Maybe today is the day!
Maybe today I finally see whales in the Puget Sound.
Breaching and spraying from their blowholes.
Playing and basking in the sunshine.
Maybe today is the day.

It's just a wake.
Today is the day!
It's just a wake.
Today is the day!

I sped across the intersection, changing my course for a brief minute.
I rerouted to get as close to the water as I could. 
It's just a wake.
Today is the day!

As I approached the edge overlooking the water as close as I could get.
My eyes darted to the long line of waves and my heart sank as the large container ship moved south towards Tacoma.
It's just a wake.
I let myself feel glum for another half a minute and then my eyes darted across the playful landscape in front of me. To ships, boats, wakes large and small. 
To the snow capped Olympic mountains.
My skin turned a bright shade of pink sitting in the warmth of the sun.
My smile reappeared, my heart felt happy again and whales or not, I was going to enjoy this weather!
There is nothing like Seattle area in the sunshine. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Scary and Spicy 29 of 31 #sol16

His legs and up and down and his energy is sky high and all over the place.
I lay down on his bed with Cinderella in my hands, ready to read a bedtime story and snuggle him to sleep.
"Is this one scary, Mom?" he asks with hope glimmering in his little blue eyes.
"No, this one is not. It does have a mean stepmother though."
"Oh."
As I start to read, I can tell he is still lost in thought, not yet listening to the story.

"Mom...."
"Yes bud?"
"I like scary. I like scary & spicy!"
"Oh, ok bud. Scary and spicy. Got it." I couldn't help but let out a little giggle.
"So, do you want to go in the Ghost House at Disneyland?"
"No...I don't like ghosts."
"Ok. What about the Pirates of the Caribbean?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Ok, bud. That's fine. No worries. We can go on those another time."

I turned back to the pages of Cinderella, feeling even more giddy than he is about our upcoming Disney trip!

Five more days!

Monday, March 28, 2016

I Wanted To. This Is It. 28 of 31 #sol16

I wanted to copy a fellow blogger's great slice about her beliefs.
I wanted to!
Instead I began typing a list of my beliefs and they felt cliche and boring and I deleted them twice.

I wanted to dive deep and reflect on the bigger picture for students.
I wanted to!
Instead I stared at a blank screen.

This is it.
Sometimes there is nothing more exciting than a blank screen. Ready for my thoughts and dreams and reflections.
Other times there is nothing more daunting and intimidating than the blink blink blink of a cursor on a blank screen.
Like today. Today is that day.

"Blink, blink, blink," goes my cursor.
"WRITE WRITE WRITE!" screams the page.
"Type, type, type.....delete, delete, delete," go the keys.

Now i get it. Sometimes authors write about the writing process because that's all that comes out. I wonder if Stephen King sat down to write another amazing horror or fantasy story and instead the blinking screen stared at him and whispered, "just type. just type about this moment. This moment of writing. All the moments of writing." And "On Writing" emerged.

I haven't actually read On Writing. Just like I haven't actually written much of anything in this slice.
Yet, this is my slice, my process today.

I wanted to!
This is it.
Blink.


Sunday, March 27, 2016

An Interfaith Easter Sunday 27 of 31 #sol16


"I don't celebrate Easter," Leo says to anyone listening. "I don't celebrate Christmas either," he states matter of factly and adds, "because I'm Jewish." I smile and reply to Leo, "I think most of the kids here are just like you." 

Where on earth were the kiddo and I and Leo on Easter Sunday? Jewish Sunday school of course! It is with these simple facts that even at three or four years old, Leo and many of the other kiddos have learned that they are different than most kids. I often wonder what my kiddo has understood so far about holidays and religious traditions. 

Yes, I consider myself Jewish as I had a Bat Mitzvah and confirmation, went to Israel for five weeks, participated in Hillel during college, and continue to be somewhat involved in a Jewish community. It was important to me to have a chuppah at my wedding and to bring the kiddo to Tot Shabbat frequently. I love the beautiful rituals and traditions that Judaism holds, yet the best part of Judaism to me is the openness to questioning and interpretation. The community and the regular rituals to promote reflection. 

All this and yet, we too celebrate Easter and Christmas. When Leo spoke earlier, I pondered telling him that some of the kids in that classroom, like my kiddo, will probably head home to an Easter basket and egg hunt. They might have traditional Easter dinner with one part of their family. I often feel bad that my kiddo just goes through the motions of the more consumerist view of Christian holidays without knowing the true meaning of the holy days. The thing is though, I don't actually know them very well since I too grew up in an interfaith family. We celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah, Easter and Passover. I learned the more in depth meaning of our Jewish holy days and just enjoyed the Christian holidays for their impact on me: celebrations of the season and special days with family. For me, all of the holy days, no matter what their true meaning was, were about Family with a capital F and looking beyond yourself to serve a greater good in life. 

And that is the most important thing that I hope my kiddo will understand today and every day; the importance of time elevated above the day to day and enjoying it with family. So, "Happy normal Sunday" to Leo and all my Jewish and non-Christian friends and "Happy Easter" to all of our Christian friends.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

I Love You From the Forest 26 of 31 #sol16

"Mom, I love you," he said and looked up at me with a smile.
We were standing in the middle of a deep green forest holding hands, surrounded by Groovy Doug Firs & Swoopy Cedars.

In those four little words, I heard
Thanks for waking up with me, Mom.
Thanks for playing Thomas the Train match cards with me.
Thanks, Mom, for playing legos and pouring my milk and cheerios.

In those four little words, I heard
I'm glad it's warm and sunny today, Mom.
I love getting into nature and listening to the birds and rushing river sounds.
It's fun to run and throw rocks into the Puget Sound.

In those four little words, I heard
I always love you, Mom.
Even when you don't play with me that much.
Even when you have to work.
Even when we stay inside because it's raining and cold.

"Mom, I love you," he said and looked up at me with a smile.
We were standing on the edge of the cold Puget Sound with snow capped mountains straight ahead and the moss covered forest just behind us.